By: Ashley Kraut, MA, LPC, NCC

The world if fast paced and full of distraction. How easily can we be consumed by flashy advertisements, electronic notifications, videos, etc? There is a choice in each fleeting moment, we get to decide if we experience the moment, or something else. Whether it be scrolling on our phones or just getting lost in thought, we are either in the present moment, or we are not. Take a moment to think about what you could be missing out on when you choose to disconnect. Maybe it is the beauty of your surroundings, maybe a random act of kindness, maybe it’s your child’s sweet face. What are you missing? Do you want to continue to do so? When we make the choice to disconnect it not only takes us away from reality, but it can also fill our minds with thoughts that may not be helpful. For example, how often do you compare yourself to others and start a process of self criticism when you are scrolling through social media? How do you feel when your every thought is consumed with the many tasks you have to accomplish during the day, or fears for the future? I know that not all social media is harmful and daydreams are not always sad or fearful, but I challenge you to start paying attention to what is influencing you and what is being missed out on. Be intentional and take more moments to observe your surroundings, to notice and actually live your life. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it” (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off).

By: Ashley Kraut, MA, LPC, NCC

Experiencing emotions is a natural human experience, but sometimes these emotions can be extreme and difficult to tolerate in the moment. When emotions are extreme and impairing functioning, or acting on the extreme emotions would be harmful, then some skills can be utilized to reduce the intensity of the emotions and prevent acting on harmful urges. The skills listed below are specifically for surviving an emotional crisis. 

• Make a pros and cons list. Be sure to include the pros and cons of acting on crisis urges, and the pros and cons of not acting on the urges.

• Utilize the TIP skills that change the chemistry in your physical body. T-Tip the Temperature of your body by holding cold water on your face for 30 seconds. I-Intense exercise to expend energy. P-Paced breathing by breathing deep into your belly. Make sure you inhale slowly, and exhale even slower. Make sure your belly and ribs expand with each breath. 

• Utilize paired muscle relaxation involving tensing and releasing each muscle group. To start, find a quiet place and begin paced breathing. You can sit or lie down in a comfortable position without any limbs crossed. For each muscle group, tense the muscles for 5-6 seconds while inhaling, then release the muscles as you exhale. Observe the sensations in your body as you tense and release. Try starting with these areas: the hands and wrists, lower and upper arms, shoulders, forehead, eyes, nose and upper cheeks, lips and lower face, tongue and mouth, neck, chest, back, stomach, buttocks, upper legs and thighs, calves, and ankles. Paired muscle relaxation is a practice, so the more it is utilized the easier it will become to relax the body in different environments, and to relax all muscles at once.

• Effective rethinking can be used by paying attention to what you are telling yourself in the moment and challenge the self-talk. For example, instead of telling yourself “I can’t handle this,” you can say instead “I am uncomfortable but I can handle this emotion/experience.”

• Body scan meditation involves muscle groups again, but without tensing. While utilizing paced breathing, focus on one part of your body. Imagine you are breathing through that area of your body and notice the sensations in that part of your body. You can focus on each part for several minutes. You can include every body part including your toes and the top of your head. 

• Pay attention to you five senses to self-soothe. What are the small details you can see, hear, feel, smell or even taste? Can you create a sensory experience for yourself by eating your favorite snack, lighting your favorite candle, taking a bath, or gazing at the clouds? Be creative with this surviving skill.

• Distract yourself by doing something that will take your mind off of the situation such as coloring, reading, writing, watching funny videos, calling a friend, doing something nice for someone else, organizing, or creating. 

These skills are to be utilized for short term distress. If you are having urges to harm yourself or others during the crisis and the urges do not subside after attempting these skills, please call 911 or go to your local emergency room. For more information please refer to Marsha Linehan’s DBT Skills training or make an appointment at our office for guidance (586-213-5505). There is no need to go through a crisis alone.

Linehan, M. (2015). DBT skills handouts and worksheets, second edition. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

 

By Linnea Sieh MA, LLPC, NCC

Resolutions. Does this word scare you? Do you make and keep resolutions? Or do they just cause stress and annoyance? Many people make resolutions to be healthier, spend more time
with family, do more things that give us joy, or learn a new skill. Do any of us make resolutions to make room for self-care and relaxation?

It’s not always easy to remember to take time for the things that relax us. We have a tendency to want to keep moving, to not stop, and push towards completing everything. But if you’re
pushing forward so fast, you forget about the present, how can you gain everything you need from those moments?

Whether or not you make resolutions this year, gratitude for the good things, taking time to stop and remember things you love, and things that bring you joy, can actually help you keep those resolutions.

Gratitude is something that can be easily lost in the hustle and bustle of the holidays. One way to help remind yourself of things to be grateful for, or things to be proud of, is the make
a Gratitude or Memory jar. This can be a jar, a bowl, a shoebox, anything really. In this container, you will put memories, ticket stubs, favorite sayings, funny moments, and
things you are proud of. Keep a pad of paper next to it and a pen, so you can jot things down as you remember them. Make sure it is out in a visible place, so that you remember to write them
down. Maybe try to have a time during the week where you add to it. Over the next year, if you’re having a rough day, reach in and pull out a memory and spend some time remembering
the feeling that it gave you.

Keep adding to it all year and then on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day, dump them all out
and go over your year. What did you do that brought you joy? Did you take any fun trips or try a
new experience?

Remembering memories and special events can bring you the same kinds of feelings you had
when you were having the experience the first time. It might even keep you motivated to keep moving forward towards your goals!

By: Linnea Sieh, MA, LPC

Summer: a time for beach trips, family vacations, ice cream (my favorite part,) and spending time with friends and family. Living in Michigan makes it even more special, since we seem to only get summer weather for maybe a few days at a time. What people don’t realize about summer is how much of a toll it can take on our self-esteem. Even though everything seems better when it’s sunny, it does have its own pitfalls.

Think about it, there you are, minding your own business and you see something that makes you stop and doubt yourself. Maybe it’s someone wearing something you wish you were confident enough to wear, eating an ice cream cone when you’re concerned about your weight, or even going on a trip you think you might never be able to afford. Any of those things can make us feel down about our lives.

The important part is how we respond to those situations. Do you hide inside, not have the experiences you want to have, or get stuck in a negative cycle? These might be the easier ways to go about our lives, but definitely not the most productive.

Instead of focusing on the situations you can’t change, try focusing on the things you can change. Maybe you feel you don’t look good in that particular swimsuit, but you feel awesome in one with a different style or pattern. Maybe you’re nervous about going to an outdoor concert by yourself, but if you asked a friend to come along, it could help. As for a glamorous looking trip, you might be seeing only the good side. You might not see strange foods, bug bites, or hard hotel beds. There are lots of things to do in the summer that are free or low cost. Try looking into local events that could be just as fun, while you get to sleep in your own house!

My hope for you this summer is that you won’t let yourself get in the way of making and keeping those summer plans. Try something new, or something that scares you, just a little.

By: Karen Weier MA, LLPC, NCC

When we first meet someone, who we think will be our forever person, we are intentional on developing a friendship with them. We want to get to know everything about them. Why does this intentionality, this desire to be friends, seem to fade after marriage or a commitment is made? Many couples, who walk through my office door, have stopped strengthening their friendship. According to Dr. John Gottman (1999), in his study and observation of habits that make and/or break a marriage, he has found that at the heart of a happy marriage is a deep friendship. Bolstering the friendship is so critical, Gottman explains, because it fuels romance, passion, and intimacy. Gottman (1999), in his book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, explains seven basic principles that can help guide couples on the path to a long lasting and harmonious relationship. The first three principles allow couples to rediscover the friendship that brought them together, in the first place.
The first step, in helping couples rebuild their friendship, is to help them learn how to build love maps (Gottman, 1999). Love maps are a road map of your partner’s internal psychological world. It’s asking open ended questions, remembering the answers, and really paying attention to the details of your partner’s world. It involves remembering the major events in each other’s history and constantly updating this information as the facts and feelings of your partner’s world changes. This is also the time to periodically take your partner’s emotional temperature, asking “how are you doing, baby?” and really wanting to know, how they are doing.
The second step, in helping couples rebuild their friendship, is to help them build fondness and admiration, two crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. This involves focusing on the positive habit of mind by looking for what your partner is doing right. It’s a time to express fondness, affection, and admiration, verbally and physically, which is done in small amounts, but often. When couples are able to express fondness and admiration it builds a culture of appreciation, respect, fondness, and intimacy (Gottman, 1999).
The third step, in helping couples rebuild their friendship, is to help them learn how to turn toward bids for connection, which builds trust and romance. Romance is kept alive each time you let your partner know that they are valued during the grind of everyday life. Partner’s make bids for connection, for attention, interest, excitement, humor, conversation, affection, support, or playfulness. You can either turn towards or turn away from your partners bid. When you choose to turn towards your partners bid you are building trust and an emotional connection (Gottman, 1999).
A deep friendship is at the heart of a happy marriage/relationship. Happy couples have mutual respect, for each other, they enjoy each other’s company, they are well versed in the likes and dislikes of each other, they share in each other’s hopes and dreams, and they express fondness and admiration, for each other, in big ways but through small gestures, day in and day out. Do you need help rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship with your partner? Our qualified therapists, at All Things Possible Wellness Center, desire to help you and your partner rediscover and strengthen your friendship, as you continue to build your life together.

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (1999), The seven principles for making marriage work, New York: Harmony Books.

By: Tonya Rice MA, LPC

One evening, I entered one of the local bookstores in my neighborhood.  When browsing the shelves, I reached for a book titled “Nowhere but Up”, a memoir written by Pattie Mallette.  I began to read the first couple of pages of her book and she described a dream that she had. She wrote,

“One night I had a dream in which my job was to clean out every room in a gigantic house, which was made up mostly of bedrooms.  The bedrooms belonged to girls of different ages, from babies to teenagers, and were stuffed with clothes, garbage, and toys piled almost a foot high.  I was so overwhelmed by the task.  In the first room, I couldn’t do much more than clear a bit of space around my feet by shoving some of the stuff to the side.  So, I decided to go to another room and to try again.  It was more of the same.  I repeated this process in room after room, with the same result- all I could manage to do was clear a small space around my feet.  I was frustrated.  I didn’t have a clue how to start cleaning up.

As I stood there, unable to move, I heard a voice.  Instinctively, I knew it belonged to God.  “Go to the beginning of the house,” He said.

My dream self knew what I had to do.  I went to the first room of the house, the living room, and started removing every single object from the room.  I dumped everything outside- couches, lamps, rugs, tables, pictures, books- until the room was empty.  Then I scrubbed the walls clean, repainted them, and brought back in only the items I wanted.  One room was clean.  Now I knew how to go back and clean the rest.

When I woke from the dream and meditated on it, I saw a correlation between the house in that dream and the events of my childhood.  The different rooms represented me at different ages and the areas of my life I was trying to clean up or heal as an adult.  The simple instruction from the dream struck me.  Go to the beginning.”

This dream explains the process of counseling in such a clear analogy.  We need to “go the beginning”.  Counseling is also a lot like gardening.  When you weed a garden, you first start with digging to the root of the weed to prevent it from growing back.  At the beginning of my counseling career, I found myself frustrated.  I spent time working with people addressing surface issues without seeing much change.   Or the issues seemed to be addressed, but would quickly return.  That was when I recognized that unless you get to the root of an issue, it will be as ineffective as cutting leaves from weeds or chopping the visible portion of the weed off, only for it to continue to grow and take over the garden.  Getting to the beginning or the root of an issue is key to the cure of it.  Once you get to the root, you can uproot the weed and move on to the next one.  Once your garden is free of weeds, you can focus on replanting beautiful plants and flowers in their place.

To begin we need to identify what weeds are in your life.  Simply put, weeds are the surface issues in your life that lead you to seeking help. It could be a failing relationship, a lingering sadness that will not go away, worry, stress, conflicts with friends, feeling alone, anger, unsatisfied in life, pressure to perform, addiction, affairs, lying, shame, guilt, trouble sleeping, irritable mood, disappointment, discouragement, hopelessness, worthlessness, difficulty concentrating, overwhelmed with life, desire to divorce, not wanting to live, etc.  These are the initial reasons that lead people to coming into my office for counseling.  Many aspects of counseling focus on providing you with coping skills, conflict resolution skills, and positive self-talk.  These skills are techniques are very important and are helpful, however, they do not eliminate the problem and do not deal with the root/core of an issue.

In order to fully understand and recognize how to truly root out negative problems in your life we first must understand our minds.  Our minds are the foundation of where the journey begins.  Through counseling at All Things Possible Wellness Center, we strive to help you get to the root of your issues and lead a life that is enjoyable, fulfilling and peaceful.  It is my hope that you would consider counseling as a method that can help you to process through deep rooted problems in a comfortable, non-judgmental and safe environment.

By: Linnea Sieh MA, LLPC

The recent popularity of the Netflix show “13 Reasons Why” has brought the topics of suicide, sexual assault, and bullying to the forefront of the public eye. To many professionals, this show is concerning, due to the high levels of trauma shown and the refusal to discuss any mental health symptoms or treatments that could have helped the main character. Because it was marketed primarily for teens, some teens are watching this show and feeling overwhelming emotions with no one to safely discuss them with.

Suicide, especially, is a topic that can be frightening or uncomfortable to talk about with your loved ones. One misconception around suicide is that by talking about it, you will put the idea of committing suicide into someone’s mind. This isn’t true, in fact if you are considering asking about it, the idea is oftentimes already in that person’s mind. As a professional counselor, my job involves frequently asking these hard questions to adults and teens. While it is never an easy task, it is important to be up front about suicide, sexual assault, and bullying. All of these topics can be triggers for people already struggling with their mental health symptoms. Knowing where to turn for resources, both local and national, is an important step in understanding how to help people who are experiencing these thoughts. The following is a list of 13 local and national resources and ideas for anyone who may need mental health help:

1.    Help get the person to see a mental health professional. All Things Possible Wellness Center is one of the best options for mental health treatment in Macomb County. We can be reached at 586-213-5505, or on the web at https://allthingspossiblewc.com/. We are located in Clinton Township and accept most private and also Medicaid HMO insurances.

2.    Macomb County Community Mental Health: This agency offers mental health care for those with state insurance and those who have a low income. Substance use services are also offered here. They have psychiatrists, case managers, and therapists on staff. They can be reached at 586-948-0222, or on the web at http://www.mccmh.net/.

3.    Urgent Behavioral Health Care Center accepts anyone as a walk-in for mental health emergencies. They are located at 43800 Garfield Rd in Clinton Township, MI, and provide services 365 days a year and are open 24/7. They can be reached by phone as well at 586-466-6222.

4.    Harbor Oaks Hospital is a psychiatric facility for inpatient, partial hospitalization, and intensive outpatient care that is available in emergencies as well. They provide services for mental health care and substance abuse. They are located at 35031 23 Mile Rd New Baltimore, MI 48047. They can be reached by phone at 855-738-8198.

5.    In Oakland County, MI, people can call Common Ground at 800-231-1127 for access to 24/7 crisis counseling and for an access screening to receive information regarding mental health providers.

6.    Mental Health First Aid training. Many of the core, or state funded, organizations offer some type of Mental Health First Aid training for non-professionals looking to understand more about how to help someone in a crisis setting. Training and Treatment Innovations, Inc, in Oxford and Troy is one of the agencies who has a grant to teach these skills. They can be reached at the Troy office at 248-524-8801 for more information on current and future trainings.

7.    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: This crisis line can be reached online at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. They can also be reached by phone at 1-800-273-8255. The Lifeline is a network of local crisis centers and resources that can be accessed 24/7. There is also a live chat option on the website. In addition to this lifeline someone in crisis can text 741741 24/7 for help as well. This text is not answered by the NSPF but has also been found useful.

8.    This article from Amy Morin, LCSW, details some reasons why the show could be triggering for people experiencing suicidal thoughts or other mental health concerns. https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/13-things-parents-should-know-about-13-reasons-why-according-to-a-psychotherapis.html?cid=search

9.    The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is another organization that has multiple resources for those involved in any way with suicide. The website also includes resources for how to talk to someone about their mental health called “Look Both Ways.”  https://afsp.org/

10.  SAVE: Suicide Awareness Voices of Education has a set of tips and talking points for anyone watching “13 Reasons.” https://www.save.org/blog/tips-watching-new-netflix-series-13-reasons/

11.  Reporting On Suicide offers guidelines for those responsible for reporting or speaking about suicide. It includes recommendations for bloggers, journalists, and news media professionals. It also lists warning signs and what to do if you know someone exhibiting these signs. http://reportingonsuicide.org/recommendations/

12.  Another important piece of taking care of someone who is hurting is to first take care of yourself. Here is a list of self-care activities written by the Good Therapy staff members. It is a very thorough list. If you are having difficulties thinking of activities to do, lists like this can give you other options. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/134-activities-to-add-to-your-self-care-plan/

13.  Above all, know your limits and be prepared to keep your boundaries in place with regards to your own mental health. Have a list of safe people that you can talk to and get professional help if needed. Remember, even if it feels like it, you are not alone!

 

By:  Karen Weier, MA, LLPC, NCC

Most of us can probably agree that we have worried, about an actual or potential problem.   Our worries might be centered around our finances, health, relationships, finding the right partner, losing a job, parenting, peer pressure, driving, pet health, family problems, to name a few.  Sometimes we simply worry that we are worrying too much.  If you suffer from constant worry, you may already know that worry can create physical symptoms, cause relationships to suffer, one can become less productive, become irritable, argumentative, and lose interest in activities that were once enjoyable.

According to Kevin L. Gyoerkoe, PsyD and Pamela S. Wiegartz, PHD (2006) worry consists of three main parts:  future orientation, we worry about something that hasn’t happened yet; catastrophizing, we think about the future negatively, we focus on the worst possible outcome; and thirdly worry is language based thought versus image based.

Not all worry is bad.  Gyoerkoe and Wiegartz label worry as productive and unproductive.  Productive worry allows us to solve and react to realistic problems or situations in our lives. It pushes us to take immediate action to solve problems; taking care of an over-due bill or changing our eating habits in order to have optimal health.  Unproductive worry generates no clear course of action.  Instead of taking productive steps toward action these worries stop us in our tracks and creates more unproductive worry.  Unproductive worry also causes us to focus on an unlikely event; car crash, plane crash.  Unproductive worry stops us from living in the here and now, it causes us to miss out on opportunities, fun, advancements, adventure.

The next time you find yourself worrying ask yourself:

• Am I focusing on a realistic problem?
• Is the problem solvable?
• Is the worry motivating me to take action?
• Can I come up with potential solutions?
• Am I or can I act on these solutions?

If you answered no, to any of these questions, your worry is more than likely unproductive.

Gaining control of worry is not a simple task.  It takes hard work, motivation, but most importantly it takes commitment.  You need to commit to change and commit to sticking to the commitment.  Commitment is vital if you want to gain control and manage worry.  Once you have committed to change several other tools and techniques need to be learned and practiced.  These include; learning to relax, changing ones thinking, learning to react differently, learning to accept uncertainty, learning how to manage time, learning to communicate assertively, and learning to confront ones worries (Gyoerkoe & Wiegartz, 2006).

Worry affects how we think, behave, feel, and relate to others.  My hope for you is that by reading this you will be prompted to begin your journey towards managing unproductive worry.   If you would like to learn more about managing unproductive worry, our clinicians at All Things Possible Wellness Center would be honored to walk along side of you, and provide you with the tools and techniques you need to manage and take control of your worry.  Our desire is to help you have a life that is productive and filled with joy, happiness, and peace.

References

Gyoerkoe, K & Wiegartz, P. (2006) 10 simple solutions to worry.  Oakland, CA:  New Harbinger

Publications, Inc.

 

By: Tonya Rice, MA, LPC

Relationships are hard. Relationships with a people who are narcissistic/manipulative are even more difficult. How do you know if you are in a relationship with a person who is narcissistic or manipulative? Answer the below questions…

1) Do you feel angry/upset or confused after conversations with your partner?

2) Do you do whatever your partner wants you to do, even if you told them “No, I won’t do that.”?

3) Do you tolerate behaviors that your partner does that others would not?

4) Do you expect more out of yourself then your partner?

5) Do you feel that you must act like things are “ok” when they aren’t

6) Do you feel that your partner blames you for problems?

7) Do you feel that you need to do everything your partner wants in order to avoid conflict?

8) Does your partner overreact most of the time?

9) Do you feel you put more into the relationship than your partner does?

10) Do you feel anxious or nervous around your partner?

If you have answered “yes” to more than 5 of these questions, it is likely that you are in a relationship with a manipulative or narcissistic person. This may seem like bad news, or it may just be confirming what you already assumed about your partner. However, the question is, what do you do from here?

As you have probably figured out, you cannot change another person. It is impossible. The only person what we can control is ourselves. Here is the good news- you are part of the problem! Those who are manipulative and narcissistic are drawn to people who are over-responsible, overly caring, passive, and easily controlled through obligation, guilt and blame. People who are entitled always are attracted to those who are over-responsible and willing to accept responsibility for things they do not want to accept. Usually people who are over-responsible are this way because they are people pleasers who want to be accepted and approved of by others (especially people they are in relationships with). This desire for approval and acceptance leaves the person highly vulnerable to manipulation.

You can change the dynamics of your relationship by changing your actions and reactions to your partner, but first you need to identify when you are being caught in a manipulation trap. To avoid being caught in a trap, you need to know when you are being baited into one. Here are manipulation methods or “bait” that is used by master manipulators and narcissists.

1) Badgering- continually asking you for something again and again. The goal of this form of manipulation is to wear you down by repetition. You finally give in to make the badgering stop.

2) Martyrdom-Playing the victim role. They portray themselves as a victim to gain pity, sympathy and to get what they want from someone else. Caring people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get what they want. Also, the manipulator falsely accuses you of being wrong, negative or abusive when you stand up for yourself or set boundaries.

3) Butter Up-includes praise, charm, superficial sympathy, excessive apologizing, money, approval, gifts, attention, facial expressions such as a forced laugh or smile, and public recognition. This comes just prior to them asking you to do something you do not want to do or also comes before you are about to find out about something negative they have done. The purpose of the “butter-up” is to get you to feel good so that they can get what they want.

4) Lying- either direct lies or subtle lies (subtle lies are withholding a significant amount of the truth). Manipulators lie about their intension and lie about lying. Manipulators love to falsely accuse you as “deserving to be treated that way.” They often claim that you are crazy and/or abusive, especially when there is evidence against the manipulator.

5) Denial- refuses to admit that he or she has done something wrong

6) Minimizing/Rationalizing- excuses are made for their inappropriate behavior. They state that his or her behavior is not as harmful or irresponsible as someone else says, for example, saying, “I was just joking.”

7) Guilt/Blame/Shame- the manipulator will say things like- “you don’t care”, “you are selfish” or “you have it easier than me”. This usually results in you feeling bad, self-doubting, anxious and keeps you in a controlled position. The manipulator uses sarcasm and put-downs to increase fear and self-doubt in you as well. Shame can be used in the form of an angry look or glance, negative tone of voice, and sarcasm. Manipulators can make you feel ashamed for even challenging them. Blame, is done in order to make you feel guilty about making healthy choices, correct thinking and good behaviors. It is frequently used as a means of psychological and emotional manipulation and control.

8) Anger/Threats-Manipulator uses anger to shock you into being controlled. The manipulator is often not actually angry, he or she just puts on an act. He just wants what they want and gets “angry” when denied. Controlled anger is often used as a manipulation tactic to avoid confrontation, avoid telling the truth or to further hide intent. Anger is also used as a defense so the manipulator can avoid telling the truth. Anger is often used as a defense to ward off questioning or suspicion because you become more focused on the anger instead of the manipulation. Threats are used by the manipulator to scare or intimidate you into being controlled. Blackmail and other threats of exposure are other forms of manipulation.

Now that you understand the methods of manipulation that are used, here are ways that you can change yourself and your behaviors to stop the manipulation cycle.

1) Address your Approval Addiction. People-pleasing is an addiction. It will lead you to doing things you may not normally do in order to get the thrill of being accepted for a moment. The high from the “approval drug” wears off and you need to do something else to gain more approval. It is a BIG trap. You need to learn how to be okay with people not being happy with you or approving of you in order to be truly free of manipulation.

2) Create Boundaries. Boundaries are safe and reasonable guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates for other people understand how to behave around him or her and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. When boundaries are in place and a manipulator violates those boundaries then they chose to have their consequence by their behavior. The important thing to note about boundaries is that in order for them to work- you MUST follow through with enforcing whatever consequence you stated.

3) Increase Assertiveness-Being assertive means that you respectfully express yourself clearly and directly while standing up for your point of view. This is a skill that must be taught, practiced and built- especially if you have never considered yourself to be an assertive person. Counseling may be helpful in obtaining this skill.

4) Increase Self Esteem. When you know your self-worth, you will be less likely to be manipulated. Often parents understand this concept as they will not defend themselves, but if someone mistreats their child then they will stand up for them, because they know their child’s worth and value. When you know your own value- you will stand up for yourself.

5) Increase Your Support Network- manipulators often work to isolate you from others in your life and prey on your loneliness. Your fear of being alone will fuel their control and manipulation over you as they know you will do anything not to lose them. Also, it is often hard to recognize when you are “taking the bait” and falling into a manipulation trap. I highly recommend that you see a counselor regularly and have a good friend with healthy boundaries that you can trust to talk to about conflicts in the relationship. They can help you identify when you are being manipulated and keep you accountable to setting boundaries and increasing your assertiveness.

I hope this helps! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to email me directly at atpwc.tonya@gmail.com. If you’d like to schedule a counseling appointment with me, you may call my office at (586) 804-5501. 

 

By: Ashley Kraut, MA, LLPC, NCC

My desire to help people through counseling has been motivated by my own personal life experiences and struggles, and I have found similar motivation in many of my professional colleagues. Each individual has his or her own experiences that have shaped the way he or she thinks, feels, and functions. Some life experiences are clearly beneficial and healthy, while other experiences may leave us searching for a change or for healing. My early experiences greatly influenced my emotional wellbeing and functioning, and by coming to realize how the experiences influenced me, I was able to take my first steps in the process of overcoming anxiety and its hold on my life. A diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder through the American Psychiatric Association (2013) calls for certain criteria and clinical significance. The DSM-5 states the person must be experiencing “excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance),” difficulty controlling the worry, and three or more physical symptoms such as fatigue, restlessness, sleep disturbance, difficulty concentrating, irritability, or muscle tension (American Psychiatric Association, 2013, p. 222). I began to explore my symptoms, how my anxiety developed, and why it continued to be present in my daily life. The many instances in which fear was an appropriate response in my life had begun to shape my reality; I began to believe there were threats, when logically there were none. Fortunately, our brains are flexible and habits can be changed. The ability for your brain to change is called neuroplasticity (Burdick, 2013). The dendrites in our brain can grow when new patterns of thought are repeated (Hebb, 2009 as cited in Burdick, 2013). We can form new paths in our brain to lead us to new paths in life. Once we are aware of what has triggered the patterns of thought that contribute to symptoms, we can take captive the thoughts, and change the thoughts. In Burn’s (2007) book, When Panic Attacks, Burns changes a quote of the philosopher Descartes from “I think therefore I am” to “I think therefore I fear,” to demonstrate the power of our thoughts over our feelings. Burns (2007) continues to describe cognitive behavioral approaches to alleviating the symptoms of depression and anxiety, and discusses the research supporting this method of treatment. Our thoughts greatly influence how we feel. If we are letting our thoughts take control without fighting the patterns that have developed, our symptoms may continue. When we make the choice to change our automatic responses and unhealthy beliefs by replacing them with healthy thoughts and beliefs, our symptoms can begin to subside. Interestingly, Anxiety can be invoked by the desire to control circumstances that one cannot control. We may not be able to control every aspect of the world around us, but we can control our thoughts and behaviors in response to the world.

Speaking from a Christian counseling perspective, such techniques can be applied along with one’s faith and ideas about truth and love. One can challenge anxious thought patterns by replacing them with verses such as “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Joshua 1:9). God also calls us to the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). I encourage you to take captive any thoughts that may be contributing to mental health symptoms, and know that you are not alone. The clinicians at All Things Possible Wellness Center have not only experienced similar struggles to your own, but we are here to help you persevere, gain insight about your symptoms and experiences, and guide you through a healing process that fits your individual needs.

References

American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing.

Burdick, D. (2013). Mindfulness skills workbook for clinicians and clients. Eau Claire, WI: PESI Publishing and Media.

Burns, D. (2007). When panic attacks: The new drug free anxiety therapy that can change your life. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Hebb, D. (2009). The organization of behavior. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc.